By Greg Jorgensen
** out of *****

Let’s face it – we’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who goes to see Roland Emerich’s new disaster opus expecting a tight story, plot twists or a deep investment in character development. People go to see these types of movies for the same reason shows like Destroyed in Seconds are hits – the base desire in all humans to watch scenes of mass destruction in all their horrible glory. Emerich and Co. certainly deliver in that sense, but in nearly all other aspects of filmmaking, 2012 is an utter failure, albeit a really pretty one.

Keep in mind that I loved the mindless escapism of films like Armageddon, Independence Day and Transformers (the first and last being made by the other specialist of mass-destruction fetishism, Michael Bay), but where they had a goofy charm, lowbrow humor, and a single – dare I say focused – aspect of Man vs. _______ (meteor, aliens, robot aliens), 2012 lacks this humor and charm, and tries to bludgeon us over the head with every natural disaster known to man. It’s a case of too much of a good thing and the result is pixilated overkill.

Following a ten-minute pre-credit sequence where we learn that neutrons have “mutated” (whatever that means) and are heating up the Earth’s core, we are introduced to the two main characters: Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a single father juggling his ex-wife, two kids and a failed career as an author, and Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a White House-connected geologist who helps make the initial discovery. The movie essentially cuts back and forth between the worlds and characters that surround each of these men, Curtis as he tries to save his family, and Helmsley as he tries to save humanity, or, as much of it as he can in the face of the entire planet cracking apart.

A commonly heard gripe among critics, audiences and scriptwriters is that without a coherent story, all the special effects in the world aren’t going to save you. Fair enough, but Emerich is either completely oblivious to this fact or brave enough to give it a big, sloppy kiss. I’ve pretty much covered the bases in terms of story, so let’s talk about the effects, which 2012’s entire publicity campaign was built around.

Actually, on second thought, I’m not going to discuss them. I think that we’re far enough into the 21st century that having great special effects is kind of a non-event. I mean, which disaster movie doesn’t have great effects these days? We’ve gotten to the point now where the phrase “the effects were so good!” has lost much of its meaning. To be sure, all of the floods, volcanoes, fireballs, collapsing buildings, explosions and earthquakes in 2012 look great; they’re just nothing new. They may be bigger and more frequent than we’re used to, but that alone doesn’t make a movie shine.

Scriptwise, it’s a train wreck. Clumsy exposition, bad accents and some of worst lines of dialogue I’ve heard in years kept my eyes rolling around like bowling balls on tournament night. The laws of physics, gravity and continuity are gleefully tossed aside – witness Curtis literally outrunning (as in, on foot) a catastrophic shockwave of fire and rock that just destroyed most of the west coast of the United States. Cusack’s charm and Ejiofor’s earnest delivery manage to hold the viewer’s interest, but in the face of such overwhelming destruction, it’s like trying to listen to an iPod next to a jet engine.

I’m not sure why this movie was released during the Christmas season – usually big-budget effects driven flicks like this are unleashed during the summer. Maybe it was because there aren’t any other effects driven flicks to compete with? At any rate, the trailer shows you many of the money shots. Indeed, as I sat down in the theater I asked myself ‘I wonder if I could write this review without actually seeing the movie.’ Turns out, I could probably have pulled it off. Watch the trailer – if that looks like something you’d like to watch for 2.5(!) hours, by all means head to the cinema. If not, skip it.

2012 Trailer:-

Greg Jorgensen has been scouring the back alleys and lurking in the movie theaters of Bangkok since 2001. His biggest regret is getting a Gold Class ticket for Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.